Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Defeated & Deflated

Warning: Feelings and Opinions are expressed below.

Recently I was inspired by a post over at Miranda's blog "The Simple Life of Lily and Claire" about feeling "gross and uncomfortable" in our skin. Miranda is a mom of two wonderful little girls.  She writes about them, life, and sometimes struggles with weight loss. While I cannot relate to being overweight, or trying to lose weight, I can definitely relate to the feeling "gross and uncomfortable." Miranda's post was just so perfectly timed and hit home with an experience I had while at The Victoria's Secret this weekend.

The Tool lovingly bought me some "stockings" from The Victoria's Secret for Christmas. I love that he was being thoughtful and got me a gift but what am I going to do with a pair of $16, thigh-high, black stockings that were too big anyway? After our fun visit with the tax prep dude we went to return the stockings. I was looking around trying to decide what to get with my $16 merchandise credit. The Tool was dragging the hellions behind me, trying to keep six little hands from pulling all the lacy underthings off the racks. After the fourth well-meaning saleswoman asked me if there was something I was looking for I finally asked for help. This is pretty much the conversation verbatim.

Your Queen Wifey: (sheepishly) "Would you happen to have something in a 30 or 32 double A?"

SalesWoman: (very loudly) "We happen to have a 32AA in our *really expensive waterballon, push up to your neck* line."

YQW: (confused look) uh...

SW: (still very loud) "Would you like to be sized today? Many women come in and think they are a double A, but we can usually get them into an A or even a B"

YQW: (with a glimmer of hope) "Sure"

I am then ushered into the dressing area where I am handed off to a sizing expert.

SW: (to the Sizing Expert) " We need to get her sized today. She thinks she's a double AA. Let's see if we can get her into a *still sounds like torture* bra probably in an A or B."

YQW: (to Sizing Expert) "I'm pretty sure I'm a size double AA. There's not much there. This is all bra."

I do the trick to remove your bra under you shirt so that she can get an accurate measurement. This is followed by a stranger I just met feeling me up while I try to avoid eye contact with the other ladies waiting to be groped sized.

SE: (loud enough to be heard on Mars) "30 and 30. You're right double AA."

YQW: "So do you have a double AA I could try on?"

SalesWoman: "How are we doing in here?"

Sizing Expert: "Yeah, she was right. There's nothing there."

Both women then convince me to try on 6 different styles of bras, all of which were 32A - and of course did not fit. All of them gapped in the cup. I ended up just getting some more underpanties and left without a much needed bra.

This left me feeling defeated and deflated. 

Problem is there is nothing to keep the band down and my current bras just ride up over my lack of boobs and I end up pulling my bra back into place at least every 12.7 seconds. Most days I just go without. But after breastfeeding 3 children what is left there is basically just nipples. Not exactly what I want to be advertising all the time.

It just makes me feel that no matter what size you are there is always something that we don't like and hate about ourselves.  The simple fact that I am shaped like an 11 year old boy makes me feel gross and uncomfortable. Often times I look in the mirror and all I see is a lanky, awkward stick. There is not much that I wouldn't give to look curvy, sexy, and womanly. 

I try to gain weight. I eat junk because I want to gain weight, but am probably setting myself up for heart disease or diabetes. I don't exercise for fear of looking too muscular instead of soft like a woman should be.
I don't want to sound braggy, cause I'm not. I don't like it this way. I know most women will read this and think "poor skinny bi*&h - are we supposed to feel sorry for you?"  I don't often share this feeling because of that reason. 

No matter what our size - our goal should include being healthy for us and for our children.

Is this just what comes from being a woman in our society - are we programmed to think that no matter what we are never perfect? 

Women's bodies are amazing! I myself have made three beautiful babies! I was able to experience breastfeeding.  Pretty neat what my body can do. But still I look at it and feel gross.  What an unfair exchange for being able to give life.

The Victoria's Secret can't even get me a bra. Back to the little girl section at my local Walmart.

At least until I have the $7500 to buy me some new, awesome jugs.

Total Price: $ Humiliation and Defeat


  1. Gah! What a disappointing experience - how unbelievably inconsiderate those women were to you.

    Unfortunately, I think we all feel uncomfortable with ourselves at times. I can relate to the feelings you express and it's no fun to feel this way. Sometimes I think that it does stem from society - as women we are always being bombarded with images of what is beautiful and sexy and when we don't look like those images, we can feel inferior. It is sad and I'd like to say I was above all of it, but I'm not. I just try to focus on all the good points you listed - like being healthy and having a body that has given birth to 2 wonderful boys AND not to measure myself against a societal ideal woman. I'm trying to love myself as a whole person (flaws included).
    Know that you're not alone in your thoughts and feelings and don't let the words of those silly women get to you.

  2. I agree, we are always our own worst critic. And no matter what you look like it's all about how you feel and I think every single woman could complain about some portion of their body.

  3. I go in there with my giant bazoongas and they don't have anything for me either! No, that's not true. They have things in my size, but they all come with that stupid push-up water balloon in them! What woman with DDs needs them to look BIGGER? "Oh you have a little something on your face sir... oh wait, I'm sorry that's just my boobs." I think Victoria's Secret's business model is founded on making women feel uncomfortable and ugly. I won't go there anymore because everything they have is made for someone else.

  4. well it isn't made for you or me. at least i get lots of cute underpants!

  5. I think this is a really clever post. How true, no matter what we've "got" we can still find reason for feeling "gross and uncomfortable". I struggle with it all the time. I had a woman's body at age 12. Talk about humiliation in Jr High School, when all my friends were barely 100 pounds and I had D's and plenty-o-junk in the trunk. All I know is I got through that mess, and now I try to smile, even though I see crow's feet glaring back at me. Anyways, I loved your post. I'm a new follower. I look forward to seeing more. I like how you call your husband "The Tool" hahahaha...lovely pet name.